New Year New Me NOB OFF

I hate New Year and everything to do with it. New Year’s Eve is a time for crying your way through a Celebrations coma, not going out to watch lots of drunk people forcibly ‘having a good time’ aka fighting with their partners and throwing up Prosecco by some bins as fireworks explode around them.

partaay

But the worst part, the very very worst thing about the new year, is the #newyearnewme hashtag. Thankfully, lots of people have hijacked it to take the piss, and to those people: I salute you. The rest are using it as an excuse to big themselves up, with not a jot of awareness of how conceited it seems to be posting a gym selfie (full make up obvs) stating ‘got here at 6am! :)’. Well CONGRATS to you. The rest of us are pondering whether we should buy maternity jeans to house our new baby bumps that are made entirely of pigs in blankets.

woohoo

And even worse than the #newyearnewme hashtag are the Facebook posts that are about 1000 words too long, detailing every wonderful thing that has happened to that person over the past year. Their jobs are great, their partners are gorgeous, their kids are clever and everything is just wonderful. It’s the new year equivalent of those Christmas round robin letters, and they are the last word in smugness. A short few sentences about your year is fair enough, but when you start listing the price of the house you bought, or your kid’s (outstanding, obviously) GCSE grades, you need to have a firm word with yourself. Because I can tell you that the rest of the world wants to take your #blessed and shove it up your arse.

It’s fair to say that I may be a tad negative about resolutions and bragging, and maybe I am just a bitter old crone who’s had a rubbish year and is therefore taking it out on everyone else. Maybe I should just bin Facebook off and avert my eyes from endless food prep pictures. But guys, GUYS. If you do something, and don’t brag about it on the internet, YOU’VE STILL DONE IT. If you give money to a homeless person, that’s wonderful. If you tell everyone on the internet with #newyearnewme, then you’re basically asking everyone to comment on how wonderful you are, which takes away from the good deed somewhat. It’s like the analogy of the tree falling in the wood with no one around to hear it: does it make a sound? If you do something and don’t post it on the internet, did it even happen?

karl

As for my New Year, I stayed in and made pizzas, drank half a glass of fizz as that’s all I can handle right now, and watched Hootenanny. I’ve had no big milestones this year apart from getting a year older. I’ve been sicker than I’ve ever been but I’m still here to tell the tale, so I guess I am a little #blessed, amiright?

As for resolutions, I’m going to have a poor attempt at yoga and will try to overcome my fear of avocados: how else will I fit in on Instagram?! My main resolution should probably be to stop insulting innocent people on the internet. But we all know resolutions are made to be broken…so happy new year you bunch of bastards x

namaste

2 responses to “New Year New Me NOB OFF

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