I’ve got a serious problem: Buzzfeed. I can’t stop reading it. I’ve started daydreaming in list form; ‘top 10 cheese/Ben Whishaw hybrid scenarios’, for example. The reason these lists work is because they appeal to everyone. It makes us all think, wow, maybe I spent 3 years crying at bus stops and being called a slut by my ‘friends’, but hey, it was the noughties! We all watched Nickelodeon so maybe we were all in it together, having a great time! We weren’t though, were we? I mean, yeah smelly pens and WKD were fun, but my pens got thrown at my head in year 7, and I threw up most of my WKD into an empty Maccy D’s bag in the back of someone’s mum’s car. So, here are 21 depressing things I remember from the noughties.
1. We dressed like a porn stars at the age of 14 (kilt, knee highs) and hung around a busy city centres trying to get old men to buy us 10 L&Bs. When we have kids, they will probably want to do the same thing, and we will want to kill ourselves.
2. We forced ourselves to smoke said L&Bs until we ‘got used to it’, so that we could smoke weed in front of people and not look stupid. Smoking was (still is?) cool, except now it’s been appropriated by the human version of a synthetic gusset induced yeast infection, Rihanna.
3. Yeah, we could eat Turkey Twizzlers at school, but we’ll develop stomach cancer in 5 years.
4. Girls were absolute, utter arseholes. One of my friends ended up in hospital with glandular fever and another girl commented, with vitriol and slightly poor medical knowledge, ‘probably caught it from giving her boyfriend a BJ, slag’.
5. Lots of time was spent sitting in the back of an older lad’s car (who was sleeping with your mate) trying to be all reckless and carefree, but secretly thinking ‘PLEASE GOD MAKE SURE THIS CAR HAS A VALID M.O.T’ while hyperventilating into your seatbelt strap.
6. Sex and the City was one of the worst programmes ever made. Carrie Bradshaw was a whiny, boring, tit of a woman.
7. Pubic hair was absolutely baffling. What YOU actually wanted to do with it never entered the equation. Online porn was in its infancy, so the ‘get it all off or no one will ever love you’ message was starting to filter through, but we weren’t sure if you were even allowed to Veet down there.
8. Awkward sleepovers watching late-night Channel 5 on mute (see above).
9. Sunday mornings were spent doing a paper round in massive jeans, in the rain, so that you came home with water soaked up to your knees and a permanently disfigured spine. It was a simpler time; these days kids just pretend their dad’s dead and go on the X factor and/or release a sex tape.
10. People were always threatening to slit their wrists with safety scissors in Geography.
11. Makeup was black Rimmel eyeliner, not Chanel lipstick. Applied in the reflection on a 3210, and frequently cried off. You had to pick bits of baccy off it before applying.
12. Macaulay Culkin was adorable wasn’t he? Had his whole life ahead of him. Now he’s a junkie lead singer of a food-themed Velvet Underground covers band, and he lives in a French squat with spotty Pete Doherty.
13. Pete Doherty used to be cool, instead of the paunchy mottled man-baby he is now, with his meat sweat stained vests and receding hairline.
14. Lads were always wanking in places. Like at school, in car parks, in the corner of a working men’s club. Do they still do that today? They probably just wank into Snapchat.
15. Spending your money on sausage rolls and posters. Topshop was a foreign land.
16. Most of your time spent having unending, traumatic fights with your parents, sisters, friends, boyfriends. ‘Running away’, aka ringing your absent father and guilting him into paying for a hotel for a night, before going home the next day all humiliated, eating hula hoops in your room at mealtimes till it died down.
17. Being scared of everything, all the time.
18. Smuggling gin into school in an Evian bottle, and it leaking and destroying your 3210.
19. Yeah yeah Freddos were 10p, we get it. Back then you could eat loads of them, but now you’d just get fat. Because you’re OLD.
20. OMG crimpers! I didn’t even really miss that burned chunk of earlobe anyway.