Put a fucking cardie on: The rise of the summer selfie

me summer

Yes, it’s summer; the season of food poisoning and STDs, getting dog shit on your flip-flops and drunkenly fellating a Calippo. And yes, we spent the last two years in near freezing conditions, staring out miserably from steamed up windows and pretending we’re in Game of Thrones. Yet as much as I like wearing only one pair of tights at a time instead of the 3 pairs that are necessary to survive September-May, this summer seems so full of unbearable social media annoyances that I’m sick of it already.

There have always been smug, self-satisfied arseholes, probably going back to ancient times. Henry VIII was a class A cunt, and you just know that if he was about today he’d be Instagramming pictures of a dead deer, writing ‘#lads #dinner #pomp #youjel?’. But back then you didn’t have to see it day in, day out; and if the smugness got too much you could just vandalise a few tapestries, or maybe write an offensive ballad about him shagging his brother’s wife . Even a decade ago you could escape the torrent of friends’ holiday photos (hot off the Snappy Snaps press) by saying ‘back in a bit, off for a poo’, then locking yourself in the toilet for an hour to play snake on your phone. But now there is no escape. People are live tweeting their holidays, assuming that everyone at home is desperate to see a Valencia filtered picture of their ‘first day in Zante!’ 3rd degree burns. People also love to show off their cocktails, neglecting to realise that their ‘Blue Moon’ looks exactly the same as jizz and raspberry slushy melted together over some ice that tastes faintly of oven chips, or ‘Monday Night Special’ as it’s known in York.

nomakeup

But the worst, the absolute worst, are the bikini selfies. Me and my mate sent a flurry of panicky texts to each other last week, when we put on bikinis for the first time in living memory. In the weak British sun we wrote that we were hideous, with cottage cheese arses and too much hair, EVERYWHERE; “Is this even normal? Should I go on embarrassing bodies? Next time I come in pissed at 3am I’m buying a No-No off QVC”. The reality is that I think she’s fit and she thinks I’m fit, and we both probably look pretty good, in the grand scheme of things. But without the million retakes, the clever angles and the flattering filters, we just looked like normal women. I am a normal women who pinches rolls of fat and wails, and who may or may not be so desperate for chocolate that I am currently eating cake decorations because the Co-Op is shut (and what fucking of it?). Often the shots of girls by the pool, or just in their bedrooms, come with the brag of spending a after a couple of months on the 5:2 diet, or a week on a ‘juice detox’; both otherwise known as ‘socially acceptable starvation’. The promotion of extreme diets makes me feel all weird, like I need a lie down with a cold flannel on my head. Should I really limit myself to 500 calories a day in order to lose a few pounds, so that I’m in that desirable ‘UNDERWEIGHT, GET IN!’ bracket? Would the daily mail then deem me ready for summer? I think I’d rather be buried alive under a vat of Brie and have to eat my way out.

amanda-bynes-diet

But even if I looked like a Victoria’s Secret model I wouldn’t plaster my bits all over social media. The odd semi-nude holiday/garden snap is fair game, especially if you’re with a group of mates or family and happen to not give a shit. But I want to know why lasses think it’s OK to post a selfie of themselves with the caption ‘Just trying on my new bikini!!! Roll on summer!!!’. If you’re one of them, I ask you this: do you think we don’t know what you’re doing? Do you think that you seem nonchalant and sexy, that we can’t see how calculated it is? Have things really got so bad that women have to strip to their pants and beg for compliments from strangers on the internet, who comment on every picture with a desperate hashtag? The need for creepy validation is bizarre; it’s creating a nation of Page 3 wannabes. My teenage cousins have Instagram, and I’m scared that they’ll feel the need to join in with their friends, although I’m pretty sure they’re much too clever for that. One teenage girl’s photo popped up in my activity feed the other day; she was posing in a t shirt, pants and pop socks, with the caption ‘just got home from school, who wants to play?’. Everyone is daft and attention seeking at 15, but why are seemingly sane women in their 20’s hopping on the body-baring bandwagon?

The-public-restroom-in-a-bikini-with-a-baby-selfie.

I’ve taken pictures of myself semi-naked loads of times. In fact I took one the other day when I was in a flattering light and a pair of outstandingly good knickers, and thought good god, I look amazing. Those 5 squats a week while looking in the fridge are doing the bloody trick! There’s no doubting I was being vilely vain, but then it wasn’t for public consumption. If girls spend 95% of the time thinking their bums look like cottage cheese, then the other 5% of the time they definitely should take pictures of it, possibly to get made into some sort of collage to hang in the bathroom. But keep it for yourself, or your boyfriend, or for someone that you’ve slept with once whose interest seems to be waning (we all know the way to a man’s heart is through desperation and nakedness). Although a word to the wise; if you’ve got naked pictures on your old phone, delete them before you give it to your sister. There’s nothing like coming downstairs to the raucous laughter of your family and your mum shrieking ‘LOOK WHAT WE’VE FOUND!’ to take you down a peg or two. At least I managed to wrestle the phone off them and delete the pictures; on the internet nothing is every truly deleted. If feminism isn’t enough to make you put your tits away, then maybe the image of Mark Zuckerburg having a wank over your bikini selfie is. Happy snapping!

10 responses to “Put a fucking cardie on: The rise of the summer selfie

  1. Thank you for following my blog. Your posts are very creative and interesting and I could not help spending a bunch of time here. Well done. I am following you as well.

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  3. I loved every word of this post! Haha when I think of the 5:2 diet I feel the need to lie down, too! It’s quite vile how self-obsessed we are – but it’s a bit like the chicken and the egg, I think. Have we always been so vain, but we just haven’t had the outlet to take five perfectly-posed photos a day coupled with captions such as ‘no make-up day today’, ‘just woke up’ and ‘new hair!’ until now? We’ll never know!

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