Kate Middleton’s ‘bump watch’ is giving me morning sickness

Oh, to work for the Daily Mail. To be as excited about anything in my life, ever, as they are about Kate Middleton’s pregnancy. When it was announced I’m fairly sure that the whole office of writers spontaneously urinated all over themselves with joy, before immediately settling down to write 1,000 articles on the potential swishy-ness of the foetus’s hair. Kate smiles beatifically, vacantly, cupping her swelling belly and listening to some kids rattle on at her about their new playground or whatever; it’s all fine as long as they don’t touch her new Issa wrap dress with their grubby little hands. Apparently she’s actually secretly in a massive radge because someone took pictures of her wearing a bikini, and you could see her baby bump.

kate-middleton-baby-bump

Everyone is outraged; she’s a PRINCESS, so she should be able to spend all our money to go on holiday and swan about on a beach in a bikini and have no one bother her or take pictures. Not being funny Kate love, but this is kind of what you signed up for. I’m sure she likes Wills, at least enough to have sex with him whilst the queen stands outside the door and the servants take away the sheets to confirm the marriage has been consummated. But I’m also sure she thought to herself, even if it was a fleeting thought: ‘I have a chance at being a real princess. I will be rich and famous beyond my wildest dreams. I may be entering into a lifetime of paparazzi and press obsession but I will be paid in handbags and TIARAS. I’m going to be the new Diana for Christ’s sake! Fuck it, I’m in’.  There aren’t many people that would turn that down, even with the media frenzy that goes alongside it. William and the male members of the royal family have to deal with overzealous paparazzi and intrusion into their personal lives; but the female figurehead, as always, takes the brunt.

Anneboleyn2

The way her pregnancy is being treated by the media is a bit sickening- every article leaves a bad taste in your mouth, like the morning after the night you decide to buy 16 fags out of a vending machine at 4am. She actually has a fair bit in common with Anne Boleyn; the way pregnancies and births within the royal family are dealt with hasn’t changed in hundreds of years. Can you imagine if, in 5 years time, Kate had failed to conceive? Her body is public property, hundreds of thousands of people judging the royal ovaries’ ability to spit out some high quality eggs. Anne Boleyn’s undergarments were taken away by staff who inspected them to see if she was still having periods so that they could pass the gossip on, and Henry ordered various doctors to prod and inspect her and ply her with potions. I wouldn’t be surprised if prince Charles had given orders for bundles of sage and pig’s fat to be shoved up Kate’s baby chute to ensure a healthy pregnancy. Poor mad sexy Anne Boleyn, frantically clinging onto magical girdles and lying in pitch black smoky rooms for months, even allegedly faking a pregnancy in order to please the public and save her neck.

beyonce fake bump

Beyonce has had her baby now, but back when she was first pregnant, people saw these pictures of her and accused her of faking her pregnancy. Whilst normal people will see her dress creasing as she sits down, horrible bored judgemental tosspots said she had hired a surrogate and was wearing a fake bump. It was an attack on her femininity, her womanhood; that she wasn’t perfect enough to have a child and had to fake it. Celebrities fertility has become an extension of the ‘ring of shame’- too fat, too skinny, not pregnant, too pregnant, hasn’t lost their baby weight. Kim Kardashian is only 4 months gone (anyone else reckon she got an early tip from the palace and decided to time it so she’d pop one out at the same time as K-Middy?) but I’ve already read several articles on how she’s stepping up her gym routine and is looking ‘fuller all over’. She’s GROWING A PERSON INSIDE HER FOR FUCKS SAKE! She should be allowed to eat cheesecake for breakfast every day for 9 months if she wants to, it’s all allowed when you have to basically shit out a watermelon at the end of it.

OK

I’m glad that Kate is feeling better and I really hope she has a healthy happy baby. It’s not that I’m not a fan of pregnancy or babies- I’m  obsessed with both. I even made looking after babies my job for several years, that’s how much I love them. But I’m sick of seeing women judged as a success or a failure depending on their ability to get knocked up. How many articles have been written on tragic childless Jennifer Aniston? And why do their writers never stop to think that she’s a millionaire superstar who’s had string of ridiculously hot boyfriends, she looks amazing, works, travels, and seems to be having an amazing life. Perhaps she’s too busy enjoying her life as it is to have a baby? What if (omg) she doesn’t actually WANT a baby? Does that make her a bitter, cold old crone? Or does it just make her a normal woman, like the rest of us? And for those celebrities who do want children but haven’t had the opportunity or are physically unable, the media scrutiny on their empty wombs must be heartbreaking.

In a world where almost nothing is scared (although I don’t think bikini shots ever were, soz your RH) surely fertility and pregnancy is one thing that we should be able to keep to ourselves. If you fancy doing a Demi Moor and getting your giant milky tits out, all round and veiny and glowing, then go for it. If you want to update people week by week on how you’re craving sandpaper and getting piles; fine. But the choice shouldn’t be taken out of your hands, and twisted to suit a public that’s baying for blood. Kate’s pregnancy is inescapably public, but the Daily Mail have turned her into a Tudor queen, a beautiful fragile baby vessel. All Kate is now is good eyebrows, a nice frock and an umbilical cord. She was boring enough to start with, now she’s like a slightly rotund waxwork. She’s going to have to brace herself and get ready to do it all again after this one’s born; I think if Anne Boleyn knew an heir and a spare were still expected in 2013, she’d have cut off her own head.

3 responses to “Kate Middleton’s ‘bump watch’ is giving me morning sickness

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