The other night my housemate came home from work to find me (yet again) in front of the TV, in my thermals, eating homemade flapjack with a spoon out of what is essentially a Tupperware bucket. His look of disgust made me think that maybe I should try and get myself ‘out there’; socialise, get dressed, stop crying, etc. In this fast paced modern world, meeting someone in a club is acceptable for shags and giggles, but long term love comes from the internet, or so the ads would have us believe. I’ve not really been interested in it until now, mainly due to the match.com advert, which makes me want to smash the boy on the platform’s head onto the tracks repeatedly until his eyes bleed. I also don’t want to get murdered or abducted like Sarah-Louise in corro. During a drunken night in the willow the other week, a nice chap named Phil suggested I write about the website http://www.christianmingle.com. Phil is scared of social media so he might not see this but cheers Phil, for the past week I’ve been getting my kicks by exploiting nice, single, god fearing chaps. Plenty of Fish had been recommended by a friend as an easy way to get a shag, and http://www.beautifulpeople.com was shown to me and looked hilarious, so I decided to join all three and compare them.
I had one large obstacle to overcome before I ever started on Christian mingle- my profile. They insist that you provide a picture in which you are not dressed provocatively or doing anything immoral, but almost every photo ever taken of me features bare legs and a fag. I took a picture of myself on my webcam which is such poor quality it makes everything look like its been through the washing machine, and stuck a heart around it so I looked ‘cute’. I had to lie on my bio- ‘into the colour black, Morrissey’s thoughts about fat lasses, vodka, and kicking over wheelie bins whilst singing Pigbag’ was not going to go down well. Instead, I said that I enjoy the outdoors, love hiking and want to meet someone clean cut who abides by a strict moral code. In real life I can’t walk more than 15 minutes without feeling sick and boys with absolutely no morals make me weak, in the sexy way.
Everyone on this website, without exception, made me want to burst into tears. They were the kind of desperate that a normal person feels at 3am when there’s no kebab van in sight and you’ve got glass in your feet. Quite a few of them like to mention on their profiles that they are virgins, usually in capital letters, and all of them really really want to get married so that they can finally stick it in something that isn’t the sticky pages of a King James’s bible. The website seems to reckon that its clientele look like the shiny happy people in the picture, but they don’t. They are all middle aged men called Steve with a slack grasp on dental hygiene. One of them wrote the following: ‘My mum says I am quiet, easy going, reliable, affectionate, thoughtful, considerate and kind. She says I like a good discussion but I can be a little bit lazy. I am single. I can drive a van. I hope to getmarried and start a family. I am a late starter’. 90% of the men were like this and whilst I am bitter and twisted inside I’m not an absolute cunt, and the whole thing broke my heart.
Overall mark= 4/10. I received 98 ‘check out’s’ in 3 days which is good going, but I didn’t fancy any of them and I didn’t reply to any messages because I felt bad. If they found out about the real me they would smite me to hell and cast a plague on my family, but they still have feelings! Misguided, ill informed, medieval feelings.
This is a website for horrible, mean, vain people, and so I instantly felt better about very publicly laughing in their faces. The premise is that you upload your profile picture and let people vote on how attractive you are for 48 hours, and if you’re good enough, you get to join. As a normal 25 year old woman, my self confidence hovers around the ‘I AM HORRIFIC, I AM A MAN REPELLENT, EVERYTHING ABOUT ME IS WRONG’ end of the spectrum, and so I was a tad nervous about trying to get in. I thought they’d be able to sniff me out and tell me to take my pasty faced, un-groomed self over to munterdating.com. However, it has been a day and a half and I’m almost in! Most people on there have voted that I’m ‘beautiful’, and a few say ‘hmm, ok’ ( ) although if they are so good looking themselves I’m not entirely sure why they have resorted to trying to get laid over the internet. Interestingly (crushingly) a few people have voted me ‘absolutely not’ which made me want to give up and start wearing a balaclava for the rest of my life. As you would imagine, the men on the site are vile, with personalities like mashed potato with a side of geordie shore.
Overall mark= 5/10. Made me swing wildly between feeling smug and wanting to carve into my own face with a protractor, but does feature a few men that are very good looking. You could probably find a date on here if you’re willing to become a horrible person and live with Salford’s answer to Zoolander. Plus when you have kids, you’ll probably give birth to the next Katie Price.
Plenty of Fish
Everyone’s heard of plenty of fish; it seems to be where most 20-somethings go to get a shag when things have taken a desperate turn. I am happy to confirm that yes, it is full of perverts. However, they don’t really seem to give a shit if you think they’re creepy or pervy. These are not men who have nervously tiptoed to the shore of online dating, hoping to find a lovely rosy cheeked woman called sally, with whom they can have picnics and buy curtains and maybe experiment with anal sex on their 2 year anniversary. This is a site for men who want to fuck someone, anyone, ASAP. They send a group message out to 20 people and hope that eventually, the shit will stick. It’s also full of the most normal men; not evangelical, not egocentric, just horny. The standard British male stereotype that we know and love. To give them credit, some of them did actually take the time to send me a nice message. But most of them just tried to send me pictures of their nobs.
Overall rating= 7/10. By far my favorite as the people on here were honest and real. Salt of the earth shaggers, if you will. If you’re into dogging in a car park on the a64 with someone you started taking to half an hour ago, this is the website for you.
So internet dating didn’t work for me. But I’ll be honest, reader- my heart wasn’t in it. I can see that they’re a good idea, especially if you’re into something quite specific- like God, or uniforms, or rape fantasies. The men outnumber the women to an astonishing degree, and it seems most of them leave their dignity at the door when they sign up. Just because you’re too chicken to insult me in a bar, don’t think you can do it from the anonymity of your laptop. I got tons of messages that went something like ‘You’re going to let me take you out for a drink because I’m fit ;)’, which may have worked if a) I was an alcoholic and b) you weren’t bald and living in a caravan at the bottom of your mum’s garden. Maybe it’s just because I’m happy with my love life at the moment- if things change, I might be legging it back to Christian mingle, ready to repent and don a floor length skirt. But even if I was miserable, I think I’d still remember that it’s hard to beat those first moments of shiveringly exciting eye contact and heat that happen when you realise you fancy someone for the first time. There’s no tripping over sentences and grinning at your feet, there’s no one there to buy you a real drink, and you can’t feel a profile picture’s cock on your leg whilst you snog like the world is about to end. And thus ends the moral to every story- when it comes to cocks, always choose real over virtual. It’s what Jesus would have wanted.