Unless you’ve been living in a lovely warm cave of denial, you will have noticed that hurricane nobhead is spreading across America. Mitt Romney, the worst thing to happen to the USA since ‘retarded cowboy’ and evil teddy bear George Bush, may soon be their new president. Mitt is a Mormon (for realz). I’m not sure if half of America has got this confused with the Moomins, and think he’s actually a cute Swedish hippo with a totes fashion forward mate called little my. Either way he’s doing fairly well so far, despite the fact that almost all of his policies are based on lies and extremist religious drivel. He loves guns and hates gays, and has a fair amount of celebrities supporting him. One of whom is Kelsey Grammer, aka Frasier- which pretty much broke my heart. Anyone who has been unemployed for long periods of time knows that Frasier is a charmingly pompous gent, not a rifle toting, tea party attending douchebag. Martin would NOT approve. It’s one thing for Grammer to support Romney; he’s a man, and Romney loves men (probably in the biblical sense, me think the man doth protest too much). However, it seems that he actually despises women. Half of his policies are aimed at curtailing women’s rights and most of his speeches are patronising and sexist. Yet the number of female celebrities supporting his campaign is huge, although most of them are embarrassingly shit. I’m hoping that Obama can win over those on the fence purely with the power of Beyonce. His slogan should be ‘VOTE FOR ME! And LOOK at those thighs!’. He’s also got Ellen, Angelina Jolie and Rory out of the Gilmore Girls, who is a fast talking delight. If she doesn’t win over America then the world is a very bad place. Romney’s supporters are an altogether more unattractive and boring prospect. First off, there is porn star extraordinaire Jenna Jameson. Luckily she is incredibly stupid and so managed to accidentally say what many Romney supporters are thinking, whilst making them all look like utter pricks: ‘”I’m very looking forward to a Republican being back in office. When you’re rich, you want a Republican in office.”. Since Jenna is a sex worker, I wonder what she thinks about the fact that Romney wants to allow companies to stop providing contraception to women on their health insurance for ‘moral reasons’. You weren’t always rich Jenna- so when you were young, poor, and struggling, you may have been denied the pill because of some medieval nutters. And considering how much sex you’ve had, you’d have dropped about 1000 kids by now and your vagina would be even more destroyed than it already is, you hard faced, talon nailed bitch.
The most important woman in Romney’s life is his wife, Ann. She has dutifully churned out 5 (5!) sons for him, whilst standing at his side, looking dignified and attractive and staying fairly quiet. All for her loving husband to tell a room full of donors that “we use Ann sparingly right now so that people don’t get tired of her”. My, she is one lucky lady- hope all those third degree tears and sacrificing your own career was worth it Ann, because it’s only going to get worse. I would put good money on a Mitt cross-dressing, tory-orange-asphyxiwank scandal breaking in the next 10 years; the man looks like he is full of the kind of hate and anger that only recedes when putting lampshades up his bum. Ann will still be there though, dutifully having his tea on the table for when he gets in from sucking off one of his junior aides. That’s another one of his policies- that women should have a fairer time in the workplace. And by that he doesn’t seem to mean equal pay or promotions, but that women should be able to get home in time to serve chicken marinated in tears up to their families at 6pm every night. It’s not just celebs that support Romney, the odd civilian does too. And not all of them look like the guy out of Texas chainsaw massacre, hanging out of pick-up trucks screaming ‘GET OFF MY LAND!’, lobbing ‘kill fags’ placards at orphan children. Some of them are nice young women like me! Granted they don’t spend a large proportion of their week writing about fannies and eating curry in bed, but they aren’t so different. Over here in England, so much of what happens in America seems completely insane. Imagine if Cheryl Cole started posing in a bikini next to David Cameron, saying ‘whey, support Dave! Yis bunch of daft bastards!’. The other week I wrote a piece about the EDL, and whilst Romney’s supporters aren’t all racist thugs, they do have a fair bit in common. But the EDL is completely the exception in the UK, whereas girls like Debbie and Emily are fast becoming the norm in the USA. The latest ABC news poll puts Romney’s percentage at 49%, which means him becoming president is a real possibility. A man who genuinely believes that the second coming of Christ is nearly upon us (he’s apparently going to pop up outside a maccy d’s in Missouri) may be the leader of the free world. I have the same desperate, sicky feeling I had back when we had our own disastrous election a few years ago, and when that shiny moon faced cunt Cameron got in, I shed an actual tear. Batten down the hatches America, the end is nigh.