This week I am writing about a subject that I am completely at home with; the world of terrifying, inappropriate and unstable fangirls. Twitter has been getting worked up about the amount of young lasses launching a torrent of mental at the boys in One Direction, but I understand. These crazy bitches are my people. Ever since I was old enough to listen to pulp tapes on my Walkman (which was the size of my head), I have wanted to sleep with boys in bands. When I discovered Blink-182 I used to stare desperately at their posters, hysterical at the fact that I wouldn’t be able to marry them, because they lived in America (obviously). Nowt to do with me being a hormonal, underdeveloped 13 year old who would burst into tears if ever granted a meeting with Mark Hoppus, one of the worst musicians and songwriters of our time (Adam’s song, really? Fuck off). I soon realised the remedy to this heartache was to sleep with boys in crap bands, bands that did NOFX cover versions and came from Acomb. Since then I have built up a strong portfolio of wannabe rock stars; something about their lack of ambition and poor hygiene speaks to me in a primal way. As soon as I see someone on stage, my ovaries melt. Ladies of twitter, I hear you.
The problem is, some of them may take it a little bit too far. I understand obsession- I once went out with a boy that I fancied so much, he made me want to crawl inside him, and lie next to his heart like a little fetus. Like Bear Grylls did with that camel. Unfortunately he was a sociopath, and systematically destroyed me until I reluctantly had to crawl out of his arsehole and stop picturing the beautiful babies that we would have. One Direction are not sociopaths, or arseholes, and they do not have (public) drinking problems and flabby stomachs. They are perfect and shiny and beautiful, and therefore send girls insane. Fan fiction has been big business for years now, with Harry Potter sending it stratospheric. And like all things in life, a group of people stepped up to the mark and turned it dirty. Last year, a sexy blog about some of my friends was started by some of their fans, and it was one of the best things I’ve ever, ever seen. At the time, I was going out with one of them (he was nice, not the horrible man), and I got sent the link to the website, which featured the following image of him-
It’s a bit weird, but they all took it in good humour, because essentially it’s also hilarious, and quite sweet. 99% of their fans are absolutely lovely and not at all creepy- I’m mates with them on twitter. Hey guys! Surely it isn’t that different to men having a furious wank over a Hello magazine with Cheryl Cole on the cover that they’ve stolen off their increasingly unattractive girlfriend? It’s all a bit tongue in cheek and at least they’re getting themselves off safely and because it’s what THEY want. Rather than grabbing a 15 stone ‘lad’ just before the last song comes on, because they’re lonely and horny, and having disappointing sex which ends in him shouting ‘BANTERRRR’ at his meager climax. Fan fiction is OK because it’s girls expressing themselves and their fantasies, and that makes for better sex when they do have it. Unsurprisingly, One Direction fans have taken things to a whole new level. Along with tweeting the boys hundreds of messages a day about their periods starting or their dogs dying, their fan fiction has got dark. Now porn is so widely available, the internet is a big dirty cesspit where anything goes. With that in mind, I had a bash at some ID fan fiction. I decided it had to include the following features:
1) It should make me sound like I’m completely crackers, to the point where I’m probably planning to try and corner the boys outside radio 1 and collect their eyelashes to make a cape.
2) It must be absolutely filthy. It should start off innocent enough, then slowly but surely disintegrate into the kind of imagery that would make my own mother want to disown me for my horrible, horrible mouth. I decided to draw heavily upon porn for this part, as that’s what lasses like yeah? Being relentlessly shagged for hours whilst looking dead behind the eyes and sneaking off to do a rock between each triple anal scene. Then crying on the way home. Ahhh, porn! It’s where girls get their sexual education from, so get with it, you frigid bastard.
3) It has to feature at least 5 hilarious euphemisms for genitalia.
4) Must try and get something Harry Potter-esque in there, like magic, and maybe a unicorn. Girls love unicorns, and their horns are like a sparkly phallic dream.
5) Must get the names right so they know I’m not a fake. 1D fans sniff out fakes and threaten to kick their heads in. I would imagine the atmosphere at a 1D gig is similar to when I went to go and see Ian Brown, it felt like you were one wrong move away from having your teeth splashed all over the pavement. I need to make it sound like I’m a real, sweet 1D girl, so I’ll need to chuck in loads of golden hair and soft kisses and flowers and shit (eugh) so they don’t guess that I’m actually a bit of a goth who hates everyone.
Here’s a few examples of extracts found on the website www.http://onedirectionfanfiction.com:
‘He stopped playing around with her breasts to take her shirt and her bra off. She tugged his shirt over his head as well and tossed it away. Megan wasted no time and slid out of her jeggings as well’
(Jeggings, 😦 )
‘ The nerve-endings were shooting through Zayn, we wanted to get in so fast, but he had to take it slow, the last thing he wanted to do was to hurt his snowflake… His dirty little snowflake’
(Snowflake, amazing. Never calling it anything else ever again. Does this mean Zayn bleaches? BRB gotta go tell tumblr!)
‘”Suck my dick, you whore.” I straddled her neck and placed my throbbing dick on her face.
“But Louis, it’s too big.”
I didn’t care. I shoved it in her mouth.’
(Awww so romantic! Hope losing my V will be just like this <3)
Clearly I had a lot to do if I was going to reach this level of literary genius. I spent at least 15 minutes on it, most of which consisted of me pissing myself laughing at how funny I am, and then submitted my story to the website. Here it is. P.S. Please don’t read it if you’re a child or a prude because you will probably suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, I AM WARNING YOU. Mum, Dad, stop reading now. Please?
1D in wonderland, an erotic journey through fantasy
Sunlight fell into dappled pools at her feet and highlighted the golden hair of the beautiful young woman. She walked amongst the trees, crunching leaves and smelling the freshly bloomed flowers. Her long velvet cape fell about her shoulders and jewels glistened at her neck and breast. She lived in a spellbinding world, a world read about in fairy tales, where anything could happen. Magic was real, and the beasts of the forest were chattered as they ran alongside her. Before long, she approached a clearing. She could hear the sound of axes falling onto wood, and felt fear rise in her chest- she was all alone, and vulnerable. She was especially afraid of men as she was a virtuous young woman, who had learned to avoid them to preserve her chastity. She moved forward slowly, heart beating hard against her chest. Suddenly, a large pair of brown eyes and a dazzling smile appeared before her, and she gasped in shock.
‘Don’t worry, we wont hurt you’, he said. ‘My name is Harry, and these are my friends, Liam, Niall, Zayn and Louis. We are woodcutters who work in this forest, and we haven’t seen anyone from the village in a long time.’ She managed to gather herself, and stuttered, ‘Oh…well…my name is princess Aurora and I was just walking a while to clear my head…I’m glad to have come across some company.’. The boys gazed happily at her and explained that they often whiled away the long hours in the forest by playing music together. ‘We are very close to one another’ said Zayn, ‘spending all this time in isolation. The nights grown long and lonely and we have all dreamed of a maiden like you appearing before us.’ The princess flushed and giggled, as the boys came closer, Liam touching her hair like spun gold, Niall caressing her cheek. She knew that they were crossing a line, and going too far, but they were so handsome that all sense of morality left her.
They cast a spell so that daisies were floating around them, as they formed a circle around her. A harp had started to play magically in the background, and a unicorn whinnied softly as it cast its rainbow mane about its velvety soft ears. Harry grasped her chin, ‘you see, we are nothing to be afraid of. We just want to make you happy. We are here to pleasure you, in every way we can’. And with that, he pressed a soft kiss onto her lips. It was her first kiss, and it felt like an angel had fallen from earth and landed at her mouth. Slowly, softly, the boys began touching her, lowering her dress down her shoulders, and kissing her back and neck. Their hands were everywhere and her blood ran hot, and a tingling spread between her legs. She opened her eyes to see that the boys had shed their tunics, and their soft skin was pressing against her. Two of the boys were kissing her simultaneously, whilst Zayn and Niall kissed each other, and Harry was caressing her whilst stroking Zayn’s manhood. Birds fluttered above them, singing a beautiful song, and making Aurora feel completely calm and relaxed. She knew it was wrong, but it felt so amazing that there was no way she would be able to stop it. Harry knelt at her alter of love and began to lap at it like an eager puppy, causing her to sink onto the ground. The other boys were all around her, Liam taking Niall’s bayonet into his mouth with ease. Harry pushed himself into her and she cried out, but he looked at her reassuringly and said ‘it’s just because its so big. You’ll get used to it, my princess’. And soon enough the other boys were swapping with him as they each took turns to penetrate her honey pot. Liam whispered in her ear ‘do you want to try something different?’ she was confused- surely this was as different as it could get? However, she felt him move round to her lavender pathway, a place that was secret and risqué. Within seconds they were engaged in a devil’s threesome., and the princess felt as though she would soon be reaching heaven, not hell.
The boys were also close to reaching a beautiful climax, and their movements began to get more and more frantic. Louis’s hands were around her neck and he slapped her lightly round the face, which she found exciting. ‘Do you like that you perfect little princess?’ he growled, and spat into her mouth as she moaned with ecstasy and he drove into her with his magic wand. Suddenly he exploded, and the others followed suit, with their mystical white potion cascading over her, into her mouth, and into the mouths of the other boys. Afterwards they lay spent on the ground, with their clothes all around them and the sun warm on their faces. The boys slowly started to sing, each chiming in with harmonies, as the princess sighed with contentment. ‘I told you we were close friends’ said Harry, his head on Niall’s chest and his fingers entwined in his chest hair. The princess was spellbound. Her fantasy had come true.
I actually received fairly good feedback for my story. People liked my euphemisms and whimsical imagery, and lets be honest, it is incredibly fucking sexy. I definitely have a future in fan fiction. So world, get ready for some 80’s-early 90’s miserable indie band based sex stories! Next week: Morrissey and Ian Curtis wank each other off in Hogwarts. Stay tuned!