This week, I’ve been having a look at the girly branch of the puerile, moronic and often downright evil English Defence League. I know what you’re thinking- racism is so not sexy, right? But these lush lasses are out to prove us wrong. Unfortunately, I was not able to gain admittance to their coven of orange legs, turkey twizzlers and hatred. This is because they all threatened to ‘do me in’ a few months ago, and subsequently blocked me from loads of their Facebook pages. It all started with the plans for a new mosque in York. Currently, York’s Muslim population have to pray in what is essentially a tiny concrete brick. The plans showed a lovely understated building, with small minarets. They were asking for no money from the council, it was all self funded. Due to our location in one of the most backwards parts of the country, loads of people went mental. After a massive barney with the members of the opposing Facebook group, it all went quiet for a while. Then the EDL angels Yorkshire division produced this picture:
Firstly, I used to work in the minster- and all their dates are out by several hundred years, which really boiled my piss. Also I don’t think ‘the Islamic’ is grammatically correct, plus their apostrophes are all over the bloody place. So, me and most of my friends took offense to this load of utter nonsense and tried to hammer the following points into the EDL angel member’s teeny tiny brains:
1. It’s not a super mosque. Its actually quite small. As for spoiling the skyline, and it being in the ‘heart of the city’, it’s going to be situated in Tang Hall which is one of the grottiest parts of york. All there is to see is burning motorbikes and a Nisa. A minaret or two would perk it up no end.
2. It isn’t disrespectful to Christians. Every single real Christian that weighed in on the debate was fine with it. None of the EDL members I’ve seen are Christians, stop using it as an excuse to peddle your insane bigoted propaganda.
3. You’re all cunts.
For some reason, they didn’t take kindly to our intelligent and measured responses, and blocked us. Weirdly, loads of the people arguing against the mosque were women my own age. They even looked fairly normal in their pictures, and a few of them had been to the same school as me. Whilst Jo Ro isn’t exactly Eaton, it didn’t seem like Islamophobia was pounding its way down the geography corridor when I was there. In fact, our ‘stop the war’ protest went down so well that police riot vans got called out and loads of year sevens lay down in the road. So where are all these horrible little lasses coming from?
Those big union jack boobs belong to a delightful racist called Natasha. I found her on twitter.
She was an absolute treat, and specialised in using her (supposed) sexuality to drive home her points about immigration. I for one have always thought that what debates about asylum seekers lacked were a big pair of veiny tits. Nothing says take me seriously like a St. George’s cross bikini! It has been widely reported that the EDL angels have published a calendar full of semi-naked photos, all draped in dragons and swastikas. Probably. It’s really, really hard to get hold of though; I suspect it may be because most of the models look like they have rickets. I went and had a look at some of the angel’s Facebook profiles, and they are all incredibly secretive…what are you hiding lovies? Is it possible you’re all aware that you’re full of shit and that if some of your friends found out they’d be disgusted and never drink blue WKDs with you in Yates’s again? Stephanie, a Yorkshire angel, writes ‘Wtf is happenin were at fuckin war for fucks sake kill all basterds fuck rules of engagement and rest of it kill kill kill all filthy bearded mother fucker in bred retards they don’t fight with rules why the fuck should we fight them with one arm tied behind our backs fuckin nick lot of em all over world there fuckin trouble’. Eloquently put Stephanie! Stephanie likes loads of the same stuff as me though, which felt weird. She likes the Simpsons and amazon.com and Louis Spence! We might get on, if she wasn’t like an uglier, Northern version of Eva Braun.
Linda, who appears to be a young mother, posted this picture with the caption ‘we love our kids, unlike murdering cowards of Islam’. Gosh Linda, I don’t want to speak out of turn, but it feels like you may be being a little harsh there! You BITCH! Linda loves owt to do with kids, and seems to spend her days ignoring her own child (who is no doubt busy hanging off banisters in a soiled EDL onesie) and dragging up any sexual abuse case to feature a Muslim from the past 20 years. Jimmy Saville seems to have passed her by, unsurprisingly, what with him looking like a wanked into Aryan sock. Another one of her big loves is princess Di, queen of hearts. I have a feeling Diana wouldn’t have approved of the EDL angels, but that doesn’t bother most of them, as we can see from these comments on Linda’s page: ‘She was a bun and a slapper. Will Carling had her and just look at prince harry. Good fucken ridence.’ and ‘fookin glad she gone, no good slapper!’. From what I can deduce, the reason she was a ‘slapper’ was because she went out with Dodi Fayed, who had a ‘dodgy foreign sounding names’. Sigh. One of Linda’s mates models the EDL angels clothing line-
which would be totally cute if it wasn’t spun from babies tears and broken Britain. They both spend time doing loads of girly bonding over things like bringing back the death penalty,and doing provocative poses in front of flags. The men, by the way, are really into it. All the photos have comments like ‘phrwoar ur wel fit nice arse yorkshire eld girls r the best’. A good EDL Angel appears to cook, clean, fuck (but nothing weird, they aren’t perverts), shit out a kid every 9 months and attend the odd incredibly violent demonstration. They pretend they’re all coquettish and feminine, perfect little wives and girlfriends for the true English man. They want to bring back the old school, when men and women stuck to their roles and Britain was for the British. If only they hadn’t blocked me and I could explain that in real terms that would mean they would be spending every day out in the fields, a baby swinging from each limb, before coming home and scrubbing their husband’s piss off the dirt floor of their hut. Because they would be living in the Iron age, before we were invaded by foreigners. Oh and bbz, the Romans brought us sewerage and pornography, so you owe them a big thank you for not having to shit in a hole and keeping your husband occupied since you got fat.
So where are these women hiding? We all know the EDL and the BNP are out there, but they seem almost mystical in their existence. You hear about them on TV, read articles about them, and watch youtube videos of them mumbling about ‘muslamic ray guns’. I assumed day to day encounters with them were rare. But these young girls are the ones serving us in clothes shops (the slightly shitter ones, like miss diva and tesco), who we chat to in pub toilets, who we went to nursery with. It seems that once they’re out of the womb of secondary school, seeds planted by family or friends, have room to expand. Or maybe they’ve been browsing forums and thought shit, this ragtag bunch of prejudice slappers is what’s been missing my whole life! The internet certainly helps to fan the flames, as they form mean girls style groups; joining for the hatred of Muslims and staying for diet tips and gossip about that bitch who looked at your boyfriend. Only with these girls, pissing them off is less likely to get you a dirty look and more likely to get you a jagged Stella bottle to the eye. It’s actually not at all fair to be more disgusted by the EDL angels than the normal meat head blokes in the EDL, just because they are women. Nastiness isn’t made worse because the person can bear children and likes flowers and nail varnish. Women are just as capable of forming revolting opinions without the influence of men. However, the EDL angels’ calendar is trying to make ignorance sexy, and that is more pathetic than the men smashing shop windows at demonstrations and spouting anonymous internet hate. It’s manipulative, contrived, and discounts any opinions these girls may have, before we’ve even heard them. So lasses, put your fannies away. And get back to where you came from, yeah?