Recently, the press (i.e. shit mongers the daily mail) have been off their tits with excitement over ‘real life anime girl’ Anastasiya Shpagina. Here’s a picture of her. It’s quite easy to see why they’ve been spaffing their right-wing jizz all over the shop- it’s a strong look. Equal parts terrifying, anorexic, barbie and sex doll, which is the epitome of fit for the large proportion of men who drink in vodka revs. Anastasiya and her mates have been dubbed ‘living dolls’, due to their implausible faces and figures. Although they aren’t really that implausible if you have access to a plastic surgeon with no morals, and a laissez-faire attitude towards solid food. They don’t do much, they mainly sit about looking like sperm vessels and occasionally mumbling in a ridiculous child voice. They are the opposite of a good female role model, and yet they are spreading like lasses legs after shots in fibbers. She got famous for making make up tutorials on youtube, like this one, which the mail were getting their knickers in a twist over (not surprising, this kind of bullshit is their bread and butter)-
It’s had 4,216,672 views, many of which were before the media got hold of it. Which means that thousands of girls fancy looking like a dead eyed, crack-addled bratz doll. I’d also seen Venus Angelic, the UK’s shittier version of Anastasiya, on daybreak. The look essentially seems to revolve around the Japanese fascination with women looking like little girls, albeit in a provocative, sexy way. We’ve known for some time that Japanese people are mental, what with their tentacle porn and soiled-knicker vending machines. But why do women choose to dress like this? What is so attractive about bows and tiny little mouths and generally causing the bollocks of men around the world to jump back inside their bodies that appeals? Obviously, I decided to have a go. I realised I was going to need a shit-tonne of garish make up if I was going to follow the tutorial. Luckily, just down the road is the theatre of dreams, heaven on earth, and essentially the best shop in the world: Boyes. In York we call it Boyses, dunno why, probably because we’re all illiterate in Yorkshire. If you’ve never been, it is an Aladdin’s cave of tat; gardening tools, fake eyelashes, ‘woo’ fit boards, orthopedic shoes and fruit pastilles. I really wanted the Jordan gift set and corro mug but stayed strong, and just bought a ton of pink, sparkly stuff. And hobnobs to help me through.
When I got home, I started googling ways to make myself transform from a fairly dull, dark midget into a smooth vaginaed barbie. I found out that most of the girls who do this kind of thing are into the various Japanese street styles, like ‘Lolita’, ‘Ganguro’ and ‘Fairy Key’. The main theme in all of them seems to be looking like a sickly sweet child porn star. First off I decided to start with something easy, and do my nails. I got dead excited about the nail sparkle things in the shop, less so when I discovered you stick them on with ACTUAL SUPER GLUE, and obviously had my fingers glued to my eyeballs and fallen glitter in all my orifices within 5 minutes. They looked alright at the end, kind of like dildos for a my little pony. I took a picture, and did ‘the claw’ which I knew how to do because everyone does it on twitter. Then I decided to crack on with the make up, which was an unmitigated disaster. I layered on a ton of foundation, put some white stuff all over my eyes, and shoved on loads of eyeliner. By this point my face was beginning to feel heavy, dirty and itchy. Next, a giant pair of eyelashes, which amalgamated with the glitter and left me technically blind. With both my fingers and eyes stuck together I was flapping around my bedroom like a tranny sea lion. Still, I was well on my way to being a Japanese babe. One of the most important parts of the looks is ridiculously long hair, and luckily I had some hair extensions left over from halloween two years ago. They stank of gin and fags and had fake spiders and a lolly stuck in them but I shoved them in until my head itched like I had nits (again). Then I hit a major stumbling block- I do not have giant plastic tits and I weigh more than 3 stone. I found a push up bra which made me look vaguely less a guilty gay 10 year old boy playing with his mum’s make up while shes down Morrisons. Alas, I was unable to starve myself within half an hour to living doll standards. However I did have a look at some Ganguro girl’s weight loss tips on the internet. My favorite ones were ‘don’t eat anything except ice cream, twice a day’, ‘don’t have anything except water until 6pm’ and ‘if you’re feeling hungry just punch yourself in the stomach’. These delightful titbits of advice were shown next to some before and after weight loss pictures from a magazine, with the ‘before’ weight generally starting at around 8 stone. The BEFORE WEIGHT. Japan thinks I’m a massive fat bastard. So I ate the rest of the hobnobs, stuck on a flowery dress and a hairband, and began practicing my cute poses. The aim is to look wide eyed and innocent, doing peace signs and pretending to giggle and all that shite. Another problem area for me as cameras instantly turn me into a bong eyed gurning nightmare. I once did a photo shoot for someone’s photography project and it took about an hour before they got one of me not looking disabled. But I had a go, and hoped that my jumped up boobs would distract from my pained expression.
In the end…I looked like a massive twat. But I tried. I posted the pictures on some Japanese beauty forums and asked for feedback, and most of them said my make up was a bit crap although apparently I’m ‘like OMG SO CUTE!!!!’ which is nice. I asked what plastic surgery I’d need to look more like Anastasiya and Venus, and was greeted with ‘U DONT NEED IT! BE URSELF BB! :):) XXX’ by one girl and ‘well, I wouldn’t advise it but you’d need a to have your nose made lots smaller. And your lips are a bit big’ by another. No shit Sherlock. Apparently it takes these girls about 2-3 hours to get ready, and I find it hard to brush my teeth every morning, so I don’t think I’ll be sticking with it. Also, I didn’t enjoy looking like a little girl. The whole thing is decidedly creepy- all the related blog pages are lined with unicorns and cupcakes, with teenagers posing in cutesy school girl outfits which can only be described as ‘fanny-skimming’. It’s like a combination of Claire’s accessories and a brothel. They also don’t do anything- they basically sit around looking pretty, and most of the time they don’t even talk, which is incredibly fucking backwards and depressing. I’m off back to only whacking some concealer over my purple eye bags and, y’know, having an opinion and stuff.